(he was a junior in highschool, his parents put him in school late) It wasnt until the end of eighth grade year that things kind of took a turn. The idea that we all have to have sex to be cool, normal, etc, that is just something in the movies, real life is more complicated. It is hugely traumatic, and trauma even affects the way the brain works. They thought I actually liked him. I actually also had some infections down there when I was younger too. They seem to be increasing and I dont know why. We were in the garage and were kind of hiding behind a standing tool box. Ive never had sex. Looking back on the experience, I could tell that I was taken advantage of by a confused pre-pubescent boy. Like I said though, Im just numb. I dont know why this memory bothers me so badly though I mean, thankfully, it didnt go any farther than bare-back-touching, but at the same time, if this experience wasnt as bad as it could have been, why does it bug me so much? Hope that helps. Unfortunately most of us never know for sure. So I just shut it away and try to live life . It is one of my strangest memories and even that memory is not all there anymore. I used to become hysterical when I received a pelvic exam in my teens and twenties. Try not to compare yourself to others and to listen to and respect what you feel on this. In the UK you can call Childline at 0800 1111. It could be that it happened, it could be a mix of memories, it could be something you watched in a film, or happened in a dream even, who knows. Simply as it sounds like you feel unhappy and unsupported. Once it was some random guy in a bus, once it was my grandpa, once it was my stepdad, but thats the more specific it can get. I have had ther sexual abuse done to me and i was raped but that dream disturbs me the most. As we say in all the other comments, which you might want to read through, unless someone designed a foolproof time machine, there is no way to know what happened. I pretty much unfortunately can relate to most if not all symptoms/signs listed above. In kindergarten through third grade, I remember having very violent thoughts towards other kids. Best, HT. It also triggers any of their own unresolved issues. Do these behaviours fit easily into your life with no negative consequences, or do they sometimes deter you or sabotage things for you (addictive behaviours). What wed recommend is a hotline. There are many things ahead of you you cant even imagine, but you do have to stick around to see them and we want you to. Because if you are not comfortable you can say no. Also, I began rubbing myself down there when I was in kindergarten. Its exactly the sort of thing seeing a therapist is for. Seph, no, its not necessary to find out the source of your trauma, and in most cases, barring a time machine, its not possible. Do you understand what is appropriate consent is in regards to sexual matters? The mind works in this fashion. If your brain felt there was a threat, and you now suffer symptoms, then for you, there was, and its very important to take care of yourself. Even if we love someone, sex should always be an option, we should always have a choice. You say you have been to therapy. If I had to be honest, I think I was still wetting my bed after I had left school, which would have made me between 18 and 24 y old, as I left home when I was 24. Finally, try to go easy on yourself. Because I was scared. The person who I think did isnt in my life but is the father of a younger sibling. So on one hand confusion and inappropriate boundaries between children is not unusual, particularly during puberty (if he was 15 to your 12, he was a child too). Wed say this would come from before this experience. When we have issues, this can take time, so again, if that feels hard, talk about that. Best, HT, Hey, Im 29 years old now. I remember falling asleep in my bed, but waking up downstairs, curled up on the sofa. Hey, so recently Ive been have this reoccurring dream where Im in a room with my half brother and hes trying to get me to mess with his genitalia. They still scare me the same. Ellie we are sorry you are suffering. I think I have social anxiety or maybe just regular anxiety. What matters is to get help for symptoms. I dont remember much of when I was little. I know for sure that he physically abused him while he was young in elementary school. It must have been really hard to hear your mother tell you something so shocking about your father as well, that alone must have been traumatic. I was talking to my dad about it and as I was talking about what she had been doing, I referenced that she had done it ever since i was born. But it can happen. We highly recommend you read our article on what to do if you think youve been abused for more on this http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. But it did bother me a bit when I think about it. First you need to get stable. Look for a counsellor or psychotherapist with experience with sexual abuse, and try to find someone you feel you can eventually trust and that you feel a click with. But we can take all the energy we are using to obsess on knowing and put it towards healing any symptoms instead. It does sound like you have all the symptoms of someone who experienced abuse. today im 25 years old and i have no answer about my past or why i did these things . We are very close. But yes, therapy can definitely make real change for those who suffered trauma. At the end of freshman year I moved to a new city and he went to the same city to attend college. Or would your parents be open to helping you get counselling? I know that I actively avoided boys until I was a late teen Hi Tracey, its surprising to us that 18 years of therapy have not seemed to have helped or left you feeling stable and resourceful, but we dont know your full story, obviously, or who the therapists you worked with were. We're here to help guide you in understanding if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship with our emotional abuse quiz, also known as an emotional abuse test. Wed particularly advise working with a counsellor and getting yourself to a centred, steady space before contact, you can learn more about this suggestion in our piece on what to do if you think you have been abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. But think of it this way at least 25% of people were abused. People can and do make progress through determined self help, but its slow, and hard. I did not know what sex was but I had often have the arouse feeling and was interested in sexual things throughout my childhood. The next thing is the same thing youll hear us emphasising in the other comments. And they talk about abuse all the time, its nothing surprising or strange at all for them (official statistics state that 1 in 4 children are abused, with the reality probably a lot higher, so a lot of clients bring such stuff to their therapy sessions to work on processing and healing). I didnt have any knowledge in the time. We have a good article here on what to do if you think you were abused which might be helpful http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. That once a girl gets dirty, she remains dirty. Hi Manuela. 0800 1111. Make sure to reach out for help and support. In summary, yes, maybe you were abused, wed say there is as high a chance you werent, but we cant say, we dont know you or your life. I think he was about final year of school probably about 17years old. October 6, 2021. I also remember having a low self esteem for a really long time. By that time he was already playing with himself and said I should not say anything to anyone. Yes, I am a journalist Click here to confirm you are a journalist. I wont get help from anywhere. That is normal. We do hope you consider it. Thankfully I believe I am on a path to recovery however I can still remember hardly anything. And i remember this dream I had multiple times where it was just him staring at me from just outside my bedroom door and each dream he would get closer and closer. I just feel so crazy and I have anxiety, depression and paranoia. What should I do to get rid of these dreams. Have you talked to your counsellor about one day talking about this with your brother? Its ok to have a high sex drive and its also ok to like porn. If we experience trauma as a child, our brain can learn to freeze in the face of stress, so we go blank and act helpless, does that make sense? https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological-therapies-(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008. But there seems to be a bit of anxiety here, a bit of worry, and a sense of not belonging that goes all the way back to childhood, and that this comment by the neighbour has really triggered it. So the only reason why I think I was sexually abused when I was a kid is because I knew what a guys junk looks like before I watched porn for the first time. I try to disconnect my present self with my younger self especially around that time, because I simply cant understand my thought process then or know if I was misguided / remember certain things. Heres the thing. Its unfortunate your counsellor at school pushed you to uncover this at a time when she knew you would not be able to access her as really that is super hard, to not have support when you need it. And yet how wonderful he believes you and cares so much about your family. A friend of hers the same age felt uncomfortable around him too. hi its really hard for me to write this since its my first time where I actually put this in words. In comparison to other Christian kids, I was educated, but not as nearly as much as I should have been. My childhood feels so far away, like another person lived it. I just dont know. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, reach out. How can I tell the difference between sexual abuse and sexual games between siblings and or cousins? Im 17, and for the past year the worry that I was abused as a kid has been stuck in my brain. Ive always hated sex, talking about it and such. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. If you are on a low budget, see if there is a charity in your country or area that helps young people with mental health. I am not trying to make excuses for my crime, I just am wondering if the depression could be a contributing factor. I can say that I did/do have anger issues. I remembered as a child around age six I did things that were provocative, even explicit, and I wondered where I learned them. (We highly recommend before making any accusations you also read our article on what to do now if you feel you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse). My memories as a child are very limited. This happens when we are abused. Quiz: Was I Abused? Im not deciding to tell anyone, but even if I tell my mom in the future, Im not sure shell believe me since they always thought of that man very highly. This would fall under neglect and mental/emotional abuse. now here is why i have my suspensions. As I got older my anxiety has gotten worse, and I often get panic attacks. He did so without waiting for a response. He did force me to kiss him though and it really made me uncomfortable. Any references would be greatly appreciated. My dad abused my mom all the time physically mentally and sexually in front of us. Best, HT. Im a 16 y/o girl. We are truly sorry you have experienced such trauma and have been treated in this way. I have nightmares about him in that bathroom, and Im afraid of going to the restroom at school. Understanding your relationship requires taking a closer look at daily interaction with your partner and the way you feel about it. If not, if you are sure it would make things worse for you,then use internet groups and forums to connect with people in privacy who do understand, and do your best to get through to a point you are an actual adult with a job and independence and then please do reach out for professional support in the form of counselling. I can sort of manage life, but the effect of therapy (this was across at least a half-dozen therapists) is that at this point I start having unmanageable symptoms simply from attending therapy. You might also find our other article helpful it explains what to do if you think you were abused https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm. This is because as children it is too painful for us to accept that our caregiver would reject us or not love us so we convince ourselves that we are the problem, that we are unlovable. We see this often in those from religious backgrounds, for example. Does your school or college offer free or low cost counselling you can access? Sexual abuse can cause long-term issues in your behaviours, relationships, and sex life, as well as in the ways you treat yourself. My concern is the fear that I have with my daughters when a men, another boy or their own father are too close to them, its so hard for me. And how wonderful you have found some support in your life in the form of counselling. Intimacy is a big thing. A year or some later, the same firend and I were on the beach, where we were jumping in the water and playing. But Im starting to realize that I have an intense sexual drive. The first time he and I did something sexual together I went home and cried and I was deeply depressed for a couple days after. I was also self harming and taking tableta trying to kill myself and my mum knew and never did anything apart from getting rid of the empty boxes. As for what happened with the other guy, we have an article on child on child sexual experiences here https://bit.ly/childchildabuse. Despite how modern society pushes young teens to be adults, at 13 we are still really children, very vulnerable. Fetishes dont mean you were abused, they just mean that you have distinct sexual preferences. Being near him was repulsive. Do not doubt yourself. You also say your Dad wasnt present so we are gathering you came from an unstable home. And what if someone feels their experiences werent bad enough because things werent forced, or the worst kinds of abuse and the person who did this didnt say anything at the time. A normal sex drive is whatever and whenever you want to have sex, there is no measure except what you feel comfortable with. No, I didnt trust them with my safety, B. (PS. But I dont want to go on never knowing for sure and being confused. We dont know how old you are. Prioritise your wellbeing and seek support, ideally with a counsellor with experience of trauma. What we hear here is a whole lot of trauma, and a girl who never got the love, assurance, attention and safety she needed and deserved as a child and now walks through life as a woman feeling unsafe and unliked all the time. I have a very foggy memory when i was younger of lying on a white sheet of paper or bed sheets in some place that looked like a doctors office. Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years. They hit you or threaten you physically. I have trouble with sex, Im aware of it, I just dont know why. First of all, children often masturbate, its actually perfectly normal, most children do and from quite young. The signs that signify abuse are also the same signs that arise from all other forms of trauma, so it might be you were abused. Please do!!! Ive been doing some research and came upon several comments that talk about how sexual abuse might be related to an overactive sex drive. What you DO know. We are sorry to hear your wife is considering separating. As for your sexual drive not being normal we do not know what a normal sex drive is for 18 so not sure how you do ;). Have you ever been asked to perform a sexual act against your will? They babysat me a few times. Sexual curiosity amongst children is not classified as abuse unless one child very purposely assaults the other. Thank you. Who you can trust and talk openly with? I also think its because I havent seen the female that was doing those sexual things to me between the ages of around 7-14 in months and I guess my brain has now decided its okay to suddenly have the memories resurface.Now I cant stop thinking about it. You need to find someone to talk to. But given your parents asked a lot, then they must be concerned. Is there a friend or family member you trust, or does your school have a counsellor who seems nice? Hes still alive and so is his wife (my aunt- my deceased moms friend from school). After that about a year later a church bus driver tried to stick his hand up my skirt as i walked by the church pews. Anxiety, suicidal thoughts. Hi Manvi, We recommend you read our connected article about what to do if you are worried you were abused. We would suggest you find a counsellor or therapist who deals with sexual abuse and trauma, and possibly uses EMDR as well. I dont just get slightly uncomfortable, I get really anxious and cant stop myself from shifting around. I do remember very strongly seing my dad watch porn. Perhaps your conservative background has given you a lot of shame about sex? One day my mom knew there was something wrong going on and that day she took me home and asked me if my cousin had done something to me and I said no various times but I didnt want to tell my mother the truth I was so small and then after moving to the U.S my moms husband touch me inappropriately more than once and I think I came to the country when I was maybe 8 or 9. That we are suffering. If this happens, it counts as sexual harassment. The thing is, as youll see in other comments, until time machines are invented many of us just have to accept well never know what happened exactly. If you dont feel like their feedback works for you, you need to say so and go deeper. Best, HT. It certainly wasnt your fault in the slightest. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Be wary of the type of therapy you are trying. I have gone through bouts of feeling extremely tearful for weeks on end ever since I was 16 and my levels of depression and anxiety go up and down all the time. I come from a past of physical abuse but not of the sexual nature. I really cant touch her breast, thighs, butt or genitalia. For starters, congratulate yourself for getting by at all, and for being brave enough to be here sharing. All of these memories are really confusing because I dont remember it well and I had a relatively normal childhood. All the best, HT. Do you feel you trust him or her, or could grow to? To this day being 21, I still think all the time, how the hell did my mom know. In fact they have now found that emotional neglect can cause the same long-term symptoms as sexual trauma, so you might even find that the lack of trust between your mother and yourself has also contributed to your anxiety, depression, and paranoia. The Office for National Statistics (ONS) estimates that 7.5% of British adults experienced some form of sexual abuse before the age of 16. We are in the UK but see you are in Canada and found this one for you https://kidshelpphone.ca/what-is-kids-help-phone. As for remembering childhood, many people dont remember primary school or being young, its not unusual not to have strong memories of 7 and under, and is not in itself a sign there was abuse, nor is being shy or asexual. Hello all. Im a very sexual person, Ive masturbated daily since I was like 11 or 12. Good luck! I cant remember why but it stopped after that I felt really bad everytime I thought about it, it made me feel wrong and sick so I stopped thinking about it and I hardly think about it unless it accidently pops into my head and I get the same bad feeling still. There are many possibilities. Hi Joana, it sounds like you have a lot of experiences that are upsetting you. If someone could explain to me what a naughty chair is because recently in the last few months I dont know why but when I see chairs I just end up asking if its my naughty chair and it upsets me. Why not use all the energy and resources you have available to instead seek support for those symptoms? In august he went to jail on other chargers and was able to move out to a safe place. It can be an older sibling or another child who abuses you. Hi Dani, thank you for this honest sharing. I dont know how I began doing it but I do know that my girl cousin used to do it too at that age. Because while the facts of what happened in our childhoods can be questioned, our suffering cant. And give up any idea therapy is easy or supposed to feel good. Like a word side plank for what felt like forever until Yes, its possible something happened. So, naturally I thought it was okay because my mom wasnt helping or making it stop completely. In kindergarten on the first day I was caught playing Ill show you mine if you show me yours with a little boy. On finding support to help you with the symptoms. I dont have anyone that I can trust in this since I come from a small country and narrow minded people. I myself battled addictions to substances for years. So I got threats that were said are not threats but promises that my life will be miserable after my dad dies. we talked about many things but one of the things we talked about was any sort of abuse. They are still together and have been married for maybe 5 years now and I was planning to tell my mom on my 17th birthday which is only 2 months away. These memories caused me a lot of stress and I started to wonder if Id been abused. Im in a loving committed relationship with a man, yet find myself very grossed out/afraid of/revolted by his genetalia, especially the thought of putting it in my mouth. Your therapist could help you get to a point you feel comfortable perhaps talking to your cousins and getting this off your chest in a productive, healing way. I also associate children with sex more than is deemed acceptable and this has led me to wonder about it too. Good luck. After about two years of marriage and getting crazy anxiety, I got into therapy with a female therapist who took complete advantage of me by holding and hugging me for ages at a time, claiming she was reparenting me. After I finished, he sat me on his lap and held me like a little girl. I dont know. My question is what , if any, are the physical (gynochological) signs that someone has been abused at a young age. Hi Cate, we are surprised to hear that therapists told you to shut up as that is against the ethical standards any registered therapist is held to. Maybe I do need therapy, maybe Ill keep shoving all of these feelings deep down. Even your perspective. When she walks around the house on her panties, I feel this uncontrollable anger and disgust, and for as long as i can remember, this feeling comes when she sees me naked as well (like, when she walked into my room acciddentally when I was changing as a teenager). Today I'm kind of messed up. But Im concerned because I did it many times a day and afterwards I felt dirty or ashamed. So wed definitely say based on that alone it would be worth talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist. whenever someone even lays their hand or even their head on my stomach i tense up and my muscles start moving sort of like im trembling or something, i cannot even do it myself without getting the willies. So a lot of trauma was witnessed as well as myself being sexually abused. You are told that you are too sensitive. We cant say what happened to you re sexual abuse. I was 6 at the time.. just started school. Hope that helps, and we wish you courage! And try to keep going until you are the age of 18 at which point you are eligible to hire a therapist for yourself. When my Dad was arrested I started getting nightmares where he is abusing me but Im not sure if these are my imagination which is very vivid. To then learn to sit with it and feel it, without it leading to actual actions. We are glad, and we are sure that takes tremendous strength and perseverance that others cant even understand. Wed recommend CBT, dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), or schema therapy. I have been charged with retail theft. You are just someone trying to cope. I do remember that we used to do push-ups together, it was our thing, just he and I. I only remember doing push-ups one or two times though. Youll see that what we always say is the question was I or wasnt I abused is rarely helpful as unless we have a time machine we cant know. We do highly recommend you find a therapist you feel comfortable with to work through these issues. He told me that he would show me. Until two years ago, I could not handle physical contact, I felt violated and dirty every time someone, particularly a man, touched me. When the news came out I was so shocked and disgusted. I dont want to accuse him of anything because i dont even know the truth.